This is probably a post that should have been made weeks and/or months ago, but I have been so paralyzed by fear and judgement that I haven't been able to force myself to do it.
The way that things stand right now, I will be graduating grad school in Spring 2012, essentially when at the same point I originally thought back in May 2010. There have been many rough patches since that original goal was set, including an especially rough and draining failed . attempt at living in Nashville, that taught me to always move forward toward new things instead of seeking to reestablish the past..
Back to the new goals though. With the extremely lofty goal of graduating in May, I will be taking 15+ grad hours this fall, if everything goes to plan. This is a high I know, but 6 of these hours will be online, and another 3 will be at a different university. This is where the choices I make become even more difficult, as I have never been a great judge of my own feelings or being able to read other peoples.
The other university in question is Univ. of Tennessee at Martin, a great school that is close to where I am currently living, but it is also where my best friend and bro D will be a sophomore. The class I need is not one for my actual degree, but one that I must have to meet TN state license requirements for education. The course is offered at Freed, but I really don't want to take it there and still be locked in to that area. Don't get me wrong, I love my Freed family and friends, but as of late I just don't feel like I am much of an asset on campus, most likely due to the fact that rather than spending money on living on campus, I am commuting for every class that I have.
I know that I would probably feel the same way at UTM, so I am considering getting a dorm for the semester to offer some change. My class schedule lends it self more to living at Martin then Freed, which is one of the reasons that I am still on the fence about what to do.
Those of you who know me (both extremely well and well) know that I have had some issues in the past that have really affected my mind and feelings about certain things. The problem with my current situation is that I can only see the negative outcomes for either choice I make. Either I can stay in my current toxic living situation and commute in both directions (Freed on Tues & Sat) and Martin (Mon & Wed AM), or get a dorm at Martin (or maybe even Freed) and chance destroying friendships in the process.
That last option may sound odd, but it is a reality for me. I have very few close personal friends, and don't want to jeopardize them. I have had a tendency to become overly dependent and borderline co-dependent on some of my friends in the past. I know that I might also have the opportunity to start new relationships, possibly romantic ones, in a new environment which adds even more anxiety to my situation.
I know that there is no magic golden bullet to fix this situation. I have talked most of this over with some of my friends, and have some idea of what each choice holds, but am no closer to having a solid decision that I can put my full support behind. Because of this, I ask that you pray for me and with me that I might figure out the best route for me to go at this difficult time.
C
