There have been so many set backs lately, especially in terms of finding a teaching position, that I want to say that "it is not fair." The only thing stopping me from saying this is my high school history teacher's voice replaying over in my brain saying, "a fair is a carnival and we are not going." To this day I cannot say that something isn't fair, or hear somebody say it to me without saying the above statement.
I guess what really has me feeling that way is the fact that recent graduates, many of which who are at least 4 years younger than me, already have teaching positions for this fall, a few even had them before graduating. The simplest explanation I can think of for this is that they have a bachelors in education whereas I have a masters, which means schools/systems would have to initially pay me more. This isn't the first time that I have found myself thinking that I may have jumped the gun with my masters, but I really didn't have much of a choice since my undergraduate was in Bible.
Add this to the fact that my past issues and struggles have been eating at me causing me to go on a roller coaster of emotions, with depression and anxiety, at the drop of a hat, thus making me feel absolutely awful. I really do need to find a job and move out (again) for my own sanity. I am 25, going on 26, years old and still living at home off of my parents. It just makes me feel like a complete and utter failure at life, with no silver lining in sight.
Hopefully something will come through in the next few weeks or I may have another break down. I am hoping to avoid this at all costs because I really don't think I can handle it this time since a majority of my support system is in middle Tennessee. JD may have had a point when he told me in December that I really needed to start talking to somebody again. I honestly would have started doing so by not, but I don't have the money to pay the counselor(s) or the gas money to drive to their offices. Hopefully a middle TN job will come through where I can use 6 free AGAPE visits.
Sorry if I rambled, I just really needed to get all of this out while it was on my mind - Taxi
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Advice from Miss Scarlett...
This isn't exactly the type of post that I want to be writing this soon after the last one, but I promised myself that I would be honest with myself and not try to hide my failures anymore.
Here it is Jan 10, and I have to admit that I have already relapsed on one of my biggest personal goals this year. I am happy that I lasted just over 10 days in keeping my commitment, but it is still hard to face the facts that I failed. Despite this failure, I can't help but think back on some advice from one of my closest and best friends that I am human and I am destined to fail. While this piece of advice may seem like just a slap in the face, it is rather it only the first part. The last part of what he told me was that I needed to take things one day at a time and not look back. If I was able to commit something for one day then I had already succeeded since I am not guaranteed another day on this earth.
This advice has been replaying over and over in my mind for the last few days. Unfortunately for me, in a moment of weakness I turned it down and allowed the deceitful voice of the devil to entice me to reward myself with things that are nothing more than gateways back into the very thing I am trying to avoid. This is largely because of two simple words that I have heard many awesome sermons and devotionals about these words and how to avoid them. Would you care to guess what they might be?
Justification and gratification. No matter what we as humans do, we always try to justify it. This word has been the downfall of many, especially when Christians start trying to use it when they are in direct conflict to God's will. I have found myself in this position many times, especially during the last few months, and have in my own human mind tried to justify why I had the right to do those things as well as why I was not disobeying God. As well as trying to justify my sins and mistakes, I am likewise also guilty of using gratification to reward myself for justifying my actions, and even worse rewarding myself for doing what I am supposed to be doing by following God.
Above all, I have to remember that I am human and no matter how hard I try or how strong I believe my will is, I WILL fail. It is at these times that I need to remember that I don't have to face these struggles and trials alone. I have a heavenly father who is always willing to help me if I ask him to help me work through the pain.
I am extremely grateful for some very special people who are helping me with some of my problems by offering unbiased, biblical advice when I need it most. I only hope that I can one day repay you by some form of kindness.
I will end with the famous words by Vivien Lee's portrayal of Scarlett O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!" - C
Here it is Jan 10, and I have to admit that I have already relapsed on one of my biggest personal goals this year. I am happy that I lasted just over 10 days in keeping my commitment, but it is still hard to face the facts that I failed. Despite this failure, I can't help but think back on some advice from one of my closest and best friends that I am human and I am destined to fail. While this piece of advice may seem like just a slap in the face, it is rather it only the first part. The last part of what he told me was that I needed to take things one day at a time and not look back. If I was able to commit something for one day then I had already succeeded since I am not guaranteed another day on this earth.
This advice has been replaying over and over in my mind for the last few days. Unfortunately for me, in a moment of weakness I turned it down and allowed the deceitful voice of the devil to entice me to reward myself with things that are nothing more than gateways back into the very thing I am trying to avoid. This is largely because of two simple words that I have heard many awesome sermons and devotionals about these words and how to avoid them. Would you care to guess what they might be?
Justification and gratification. No matter what we as humans do, we always try to justify it. This word has been the downfall of many, especially when Christians start trying to use it when they are in direct conflict to God's will. I have found myself in this position many times, especially during the last few months, and have in my own human mind tried to justify why I had the right to do those things as well as why I was not disobeying God. As well as trying to justify my sins and mistakes, I am likewise also guilty of using gratification to reward myself for justifying my actions, and even worse rewarding myself for doing what I am supposed to be doing by following God.
Above all, I have to remember that I am human and no matter how hard I try or how strong I believe my will is, I WILL fail. It is at these times that I need to remember that I don't have to face these struggles and trials alone. I have a heavenly father who is always willing to help me if I ask him to help me work through the pain.
I am extremely grateful for some very special people who are helping me with some of my problems by offering unbiased, biblical advice when I need it most. I only hope that I can one day repay you by some form of kindness.
I will end with the famous words by Vivien Lee's portrayal of Scarlett O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!" - C
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
New Beginnings...
I almost didn't write this post, but thought the benefits would trump the consequences. (How many times have I heard or written that statement?)
Either way, after much thought, self-reflection, and a few discussions with close friends, I have decided to try and write my feelings and/or reflections down more often (Again, I know I have said/written this many times also, but it is the thought that counts).
I am once again making a few simple goals for 2013, many of which I hope that I can keep. While I would love to put them all here out in the open, there are a few which are personal and/or I don't feel comfortable posting because they involve a few other people (those involved know who they are and what their role(s) are).
The largest and possibly most difficult task I am resolving to do is to quit comparing my successes/failures, especially in regards to the past. I have found that the constant comparison of successes and failures often results in periods of euphoria and depression respectively. This see-saw of emotions caused me much stress during 2012, from which I didn't always make the best of choices to remedy the situation.
I think for the most part the posts I try to put on here this year are going to be around this length give or take. I may also try a few different types of posts (reviews, journals, reflections, etc.) every now and then to spice things up.
I will end this post with a few of the more generic/simple goals for the year:
1) Do a daily bible reading (3 Chapters Mon-Sat, 5 on Sun)
2) Read 50 books during 2013
3) Cook and experiment with different foods, recipes, and techniques
4) Be a better friend and Christian example
- Christopher
(P.S. Extra points for anyone who can tell me actor from an SNL sketch who "writes" a song with the same title as this post...lol)
Either way, after much thought, self-reflection, and a few discussions with close friends, I have decided to try and write my feelings and/or reflections down more often (Again, I know I have said/written this many times also, but it is the thought that counts).
I am once again making a few simple goals for 2013, many of which I hope that I can keep. While I would love to put them all here out in the open, there are a few which are personal and/or I don't feel comfortable posting because they involve a few other people (those involved know who they are and what their role(s) are).
The largest and possibly most difficult task I am resolving to do is to quit comparing my successes/failures, especially in regards to the past. I have found that the constant comparison of successes and failures often results in periods of euphoria and depression respectively. This see-saw of emotions caused me much stress during 2012, from which I didn't always make the best of choices to remedy the situation.
I think for the most part the posts I try to put on here this year are going to be around this length give or take. I may also try a few different types of posts (reviews, journals, reflections, etc.) every now and then to spice things up.
I will end this post with a few of the more generic/simple goals for the year:
1) Do a daily bible reading (3 Chapters Mon-Sat, 5 on Sun)
2) Read 50 books during 2013
3) Cook and experiment with different foods, recipes, and techniques
4) Be a better friend and Christian example
- Christopher
(P.S. Extra points for anyone who can tell me actor from an SNL sketch who "writes" a song with the same title as this post...lol)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)