ME Time

"The marks humans leave are too often scars" - Augustus Waters, TFiOS

So let me begin by apologizing for not notifying my readers (if there are any...lol) that I was going to change and modify my goal of blogging/journaling from a daily event to a more weekly schedule, which will hopefully be easier to do with the increased demands of my final semester in graduate school, which involves student teaching.

This post may seem a bit disjointed and at times "rabbit-hole", but that is likely to be the case with me doing weekly posts.

I have had several things on my mind during the last few weeks, but nothing that I have felt a deep need to feel out through writing. I have spend much time sleeping and trying to enjoy my last few days of "break" before I jump into student teaching next week. A majority of my thoughts have been centered around how things have and are changing in my life.

I am at a point (and yes I have ranted about changes in almost every post on this blog) where decisions and choices that I have made are becoming evident, as well as facing choices that will reap unknown results at some point in the future. It is a bit difficult for me to handle some of these choices because I thrive on having a set schedule or routine, with as few hurdles as possible. On the positive side of this, it has become easier for me in the last few years to accept and move on from setbacks, even if I don't initially handle them well.There are a few REALLY big, seemingly complicated things looming on the horizon for me, some of which may not be easy for me to face, but that are necessary for me to be able to live a happy and meaningful life, both personally and publicly.

Fortunately for me, I have had time in the past few weeks to take some "me-time" and be an actual human being as Dr. Wright would say. This time has allowed me to focus energy back on myself, thus filling up my tank so that I can go out into the world recharged. One habit that has been slipping through the cracks is that of reading. While I had begun reading more in college, I truly did not become hungry for reading again until graduate school. Since my brief stay in Nashville, I rarely do not have a book to read or author to discuss.

Specifically within the last year I have developed a passion for young-adult or teen fiction. It may just be me still adjusting to my life outside of "the shell", but I truly love books in this niche of literature. While trying to quench this thirst and passion for reading I have been privileged to enjoy such tomes as The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins, The Traveler Series by John Twelve Hawks, and The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod by Heather Brewer. In addition I have developed a deep love for two extremely talented authors: Ted Dekker & John Green.

By far, Dekker is probably my favorite author. His Circle Series is what got me hooked, and I love his work so much that I am actually pre-ordering books on Amazon now. While it can be hard to pinpoint exactly a general theme for Dekker's work, a majority of his work has a very distinctive mysterious aspect, that are artfully written in a tapestry of good vs. evil.

John Green is an author that I actually became interested in due to his popularity on Youtube. After finally reading, Looking for Alaska, I became hooked on the way he wrote. The quote at the top of this post is actually from his newest work, The Fault in Our Stars, which just came out this week (and yes I pre-ordered it too).

As I begin student teaching this week, it is my ultimate hope for this semester that I can remember that I am not a machine, but an actual living, breathing person who needs to be sure and set time aside for myself, whether it be to read, write, or listen to music. I need to be sure to take time for myself so that I can effectively do my best work for and with others.

Choices

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. - Phillipians 4:13

I know that this post is technically a few minutes late, and even though it is the first post of 2012, it probably won't be the last late post for the year...lol Lately, I have been reflecting on what choices are and why I have made the decisions I have in my life. This topic has even influenced a number of dreams that I have had recently.

While choices are not a bad thing, they are one of many two-edged swords in the world around us. While every choice made is done so with an individual set of circumstances and environment, there is always a simultaneous positive and negative outcome. With the positive comes the possibility of the shiny and new: something that one has never experienced before, a chance for a new beginning, or to build new relationships. With the negative, there are hurt feelings, a sense of abandonment or betrayal, and an overall feeling of sadness..

There are far too many factors that contribute to a person's final decision of how to remedy a choice and make a decision for one to just go consult a master source on the best decision. Ultimately the choices that we make, no matter the influences or factors, are made by deeply personal feelings and senses of responsibility. Nobody other than the actual person making the decision can understand exactly the struggle and pain gone through to pick the right outcome that is the best choice for them and hurts the least number of those closest to them.

I personally will admit that I, rather than failing to analyze my choices, then to over analyze decisions and constantly question myself if I made the right choice. To some extent, this is good, but should I ever get to the point that I cannot function without questioning why I am doing something, I know I have a problem.

As I write this, I am reminded of a quote from the 1995 film, The Bridges of Madison County, " We are the choices that we have made." To a certain extent this is true. The choices and decisions that we make reflect not only our values and beliefs, but also what kind of person we truly are. While others may not know the reasons why we make certain decisions, they can see that we are doing our best to do what we feel is the right thing.

One of my goals this year is to be there for my friends and family to support them in big decisions that they make this year. This goal is largely influenced by things I have done in the past when I had a worse problem of being extremely co-dependent on people that showed any interest in my life, as well as a principle that I studied this semester, that encourages people to seek to understand first and then be understood. This basic rule stems from Steven Covey and was discussed in a book on classroom management. The idea behind it is fairly simple. When you are trying to help someone make a decision, it is more helpful to first understand exact decision being made rather than giving reasons for a certain choice.

By taking the time and energy to do this during 2012, I feel as though I can become a better person, friends, and Christian example. I know that I am already being put to the test on this goal this year as some very good friends and mentors are facing some difficult choices in the coming months. No matter what they decide, I know that it is ultimately their decision is made on a personal level and that it is best if I support them rather than trying to change their mind in favor of something I feel is the right choice.

- C