Advice from Miss Scarlett...

This isn't exactly the type of post that I want to be writing this soon after the last one, but I promised myself that I would be honest with myself and not try to hide my failures anymore.

Here it is Jan 10, and I have to admit that I have already relapsed on one of my biggest personal goals this year. I am happy that I lasted just over 10 days in keeping my commitment, but it is still hard to face the facts that I failed. Despite this failure, I can't help but think back on some advice from one of my closest and best friends that I am human and I am destined to fail. While this piece of advice may seem like just a slap in the face, it is rather it only the first part. The last part of what he told me was that I needed to take things one day at a time and not look back. If I was able to commit something for one day then I had already succeeded since I am not guaranteed another day on this earth.

This advice has been replaying over and over in my mind for the last few days. Unfortunately for me, in a moment of weakness I turned it down and allowed the deceitful voice of the devil to entice me to reward myself with things that are nothing more than gateways back into the very thing I am trying to avoid. This is largely because of two simple words that I have heard many awesome sermons and devotionals about these words and how to avoid them. Would you care to guess what they might be?

Justification and gratification. No matter what we as humans do, we always try to justify it. This word has been the downfall of many, especially when Christians start trying to use it when they are in direct conflict to God's will. I have found myself in this position many times, especially during the last few months, and have in my own human mind tried to justify why I had the right to do those things as well as why I was not disobeying God. As well as trying to justify my sins and mistakes, I am likewise also guilty of using gratification to reward myself for justifying my actions, and even worse rewarding myself for doing what I am supposed to be doing by following God.

Above all, I have to remember that I am human and no matter how hard I try or how strong I believe my will is, I WILL fail. It is at these times that I need to remember that I don't have to face these struggles and trials alone. I have a heavenly father who is always willing to help me if I ask him to help me work through the pain.

 I am extremely grateful for some very special people who are helping me with some of my problems by offering unbiased, biblical advice when I need it most. I only hope that I can one day repay you by some form of kindness.

I will end with the famous words by Vivien Lee's portrayal of Scarlett O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!" - C

New Beginnings...

I almost didn't write this post, but thought the benefits would trump the consequences. (How many times have I heard or written that statement?)

Either way, after much thought, self-reflection, and a few discussions with close friends, I have decided to try and write my feelings and/or reflections down more often (Again, I know I have said/written this many times also, but it is the thought that counts).

I am once again making a few simple goals for 2013, many of which I hope that I can keep. While I would love to put them all here out in the open, there are a few which are personal and/or I don't feel comfortable posting because they involve a few other people (those involved know who they are and what their role(s) are).

The largest and possibly most difficult task I am resolving to do is to quit comparing my successes/failures, especially in regards to the past. I have found that the constant comparison of successes and failures often results in periods of euphoria and depression respectively.  This see-saw of emotions caused me much stress during 2012, from which I didn't always make the best of choices to remedy the situation.

I think for the most part the posts I try to put on here this year are going to be around this length give or take. I may also try a few different types of posts (reviews, journals, reflections, etc.) every now and then to spice things up.

I will end this post with a few of the more generic/simple goals for the year:

1) Do a daily bible reading (3 Chapters Mon-Sat, 5 on Sun)
2) Read 50 books during 2013
3) Cook and experiment with different foods, recipes, and techniques
4) Be a better friend and Christian example

- Christopher

(P.S. Extra points for anyone who can tell me actor from an SNL sketch who "writes" a song with the same title as this post...lol)

Red Tape? More like Maroon/Gold Tape

As with many of these seemingly random posts, I have no real rhyme or reason for deciding to log in and type out my thoughts other than to simply see them in print and hopefully make some kind of sense out of how I am feeling.

Since the last time I did this, some things have changed, but not many. I did retake my exam in June and passed with no problem this time. It is amazing how much time one has when not commuting and student teaching. I really only studied just over a week before the exam and had very few problems if any memorizing the material necessary. While these events took place in mid-June, everything else related to my Masters froze in place. I say this because even though I passed the last requirement necessary for graduation, that event will not occur until December of this year. Long story short, I got the short end of the bureaucratic stick and got stuck in the middle of red tape technicalities. In not so many words, since I did not apply for August graduation in March (well before I even knew my first set of scores or even took the tests) I did not graduate this month.

This by itself, while a setback, wouldn't be such a big deal except my licensing paperwork could not be filed without some mention of my masters work as well as my final portfolio grade being entered. This really became a problem over the summer as I was applying for jobs since I had no official paperwork from Freed, despite paying for 3 full official transcripts at the end of student teaching in May.  Finally, two weeks ago the paperwork was sent in and I now show up as having a license pending review. (All of this after the Freed licensing officer called me at home 9:00 on a Sunday night to ask where I did my undergraduate work!).

After all of this frustration, I now find myself in a position similar to where I was two years ago. Sitting around doing nothing feeling sorry for myself and trying to figure out what to do next. I am seriously considering substitute teaching for a while if I can get my background checks done. While not ideal it would still give me some freedom as well as a source of income.  This would all be so much easier if I had some friends around to talk to. I say this only because Sarah and Jeremy have moved to Franklin and now have the adorable Luke and Liam. Daniel is starting his junior year at UTM and working 2 jobs. JD/Maria are in Nashville with their busy lives and James David/Jude. There are a few other people from Freed that I am friends with, but most of them are busy people themselves and I don't really have that close of a relationship with them.

If nothing else, I will just lose myself in a few more books and hope for the best :)

Spring "Break"

I know that I haven't exactly kept up my end of the deal about blogging every week this semester, but that is not to say that I haven't documented my experience. In fact, I have a nightly log from everyday that I have been in the classroom.

As my blogging pattern has shown, something big must have happened for me to take the time to post something. That is the case and unfortunately, it is something negative that is still shaking me up pretty bad.

I don't really want to beat around the bush and make this a long drawn out sob story, so here goes. As many of you know I am currently working on my Masters degree in Education. The final hurdle for me to graduate is to pass a set of comprehensive exams, or comps. Comps are comprised of 3 multiple choice tests and one essay test. If you fail, you don't graduate and have an opportunity to take them again during the next semester. Based on this information, you can guess where this is heading.

While I did pass the multiple choice exams, I did not pass the essay portion. While this is pretty hard to bear, it is not exactly unexpected. I honestly didn't expect that I would be able to pass the essay portion, largely because I don't do well when I have to hand-write an essay under a time constraint. This test in particular involved writing a 10-12 page single spaced essay on a legal tablet in 4 hours. In addition, this test for the most part was just regurgitating the textbook from the class.

If this was not a big enough blow to me emotionally, I have also been on Spring Break this past week, which is a sort of two-edged sword. On the positive side, I have not been at school this week and have had a break. The flip side of this issue is that I have been on break which means I had a lot of free time. As many of you know it also meant that I most likely was planning and/or took a trip to Nashville to see my "big brother" and his family, which always drains me emotionally for a variety of reasons.

That being said, I am hoping that I can "reset" again and finish out the rest of my student teaching/semester strong, with less stress and distractions. It is still a pretty big blow to my self-esteem and potential plans, but I know that there is a bigger plan at work than mine.

ME Time

"The marks humans leave are too often scars" - Augustus Waters, TFiOS

So let me begin by apologizing for not notifying my readers (if there are any...lol) that I was going to change and modify my goal of blogging/journaling from a daily event to a more weekly schedule, which will hopefully be easier to do with the increased demands of my final semester in graduate school, which involves student teaching.

This post may seem a bit disjointed and at times "rabbit-hole", but that is likely to be the case with me doing weekly posts.

I have had several things on my mind during the last few weeks, but nothing that I have felt a deep need to feel out through writing. I have spend much time sleeping and trying to enjoy my last few days of "break" before I jump into student teaching next week. A majority of my thoughts have been centered around how things have and are changing in my life.

I am at a point (and yes I have ranted about changes in almost every post on this blog) where decisions and choices that I have made are becoming evident, as well as facing choices that will reap unknown results at some point in the future. It is a bit difficult for me to handle some of these choices because I thrive on having a set schedule or routine, with as few hurdles as possible. On the positive side of this, it has become easier for me in the last few years to accept and move on from setbacks, even if I don't initially handle them well.There are a few REALLY big, seemingly complicated things looming on the horizon for me, some of which may not be easy for me to face, but that are necessary for me to be able to live a happy and meaningful life, both personally and publicly.

Fortunately for me, I have had time in the past few weeks to take some "me-time" and be an actual human being as Dr. Wright would say. This time has allowed me to focus energy back on myself, thus filling up my tank so that I can go out into the world recharged. One habit that has been slipping through the cracks is that of reading. While I had begun reading more in college, I truly did not become hungry for reading again until graduate school. Since my brief stay in Nashville, I rarely do not have a book to read or author to discuss.

Specifically within the last year I have developed a passion for young-adult or teen fiction. It may just be me still adjusting to my life outside of "the shell", but I truly love books in this niche of literature. While trying to quench this thirst and passion for reading I have been privileged to enjoy such tomes as The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins, The Traveler Series by John Twelve Hawks, and The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod by Heather Brewer. In addition I have developed a deep love for two extremely talented authors: Ted Dekker & John Green.

By far, Dekker is probably my favorite author. His Circle Series is what got me hooked, and I love his work so much that I am actually pre-ordering books on Amazon now. While it can be hard to pinpoint exactly a general theme for Dekker's work, a majority of his work has a very distinctive mysterious aspect, that are artfully written in a tapestry of good vs. evil.

John Green is an author that I actually became interested in due to his popularity on Youtube. After finally reading, Looking for Alaska, I became hooked on the way he wrote. The quote at the top of this post is actually from his newest work, The Fault in Our Stars, which just came out this week (and yes I pre-ordered it too).

As I begin student teaching this week, it is my ultimate hope for this semester that I can remember that I am not a machine, but an actual living, breathing person who needs to be sure and set time aside for myself, whether it be to read, write, or listen to music. I need to be sure to take time for myself so that I can effectively do my best work for and with others.

Choices

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. - Phillipians 4:13

I know that this post is technically a few minutes late, and even though it is the first post of 2012, it probably won't be the last late post for the year...lol Lately, I have been reflecting on what choices are and why I have made the decisions I have in my life. This topic has even influenced a number of dreams that I have had recently.

While choices are not a bad thing, they are one of many two-edged swords in the world around us. While every choice made is done so with an individual set of circumstances and environment, there is always a simultaneous positive and negative outcome. With the positive comes the possibility of the shiny and new: something that one has never experienced before, a chance for a new beginning, or to build new relationships. With the negative, there are hurt feelings, a sense of abandonment or betrayal, and an overall feeling of sadness..

There are far too many factors that contribute to a person's final decision of how to remedy a choice and make a decision for one to just go consult a master source on the best decision. Ultimately the choices that we make, no matter the influences or factors, are made by deeply personal feelings and senses of responsibility. Nobody other than the actual person making the decision can understand exactly the struggle and pain gone through to pick the right outcome that is the best choice for them and hurts the least number of those closest to them.

I personally will admit that I, rather than failing to analyze my choices, then to over analyze decisions and constantly question myself if I made the right choice. To some extent, this is good, but should I ever get to the point that I cannot function without questioning why I am doing something, I know I have a problem.

As I write this, I am reminded of a quote from the 1995 film, The Bridges of Madison County, " We are the choices that we have made." To a certain extent this is true. The choices and decisions that we make reflect not only our values and beliefs, but also what kind of person we truly are. While others may not know the reasons why we make certain decisions, they can see that we are doing our best to do what we feel is the right thing.

One of my goals this year is to be there for my friends and family to support them in big decisions that they make this year. This goal is largely influenced by things I have done in the past when I had a worse problem of being extremely co-dependent on people that showed any interest in my life, as well as a principle that I studied this semester, that encourages people to seek to understand first and then be understood. This basic rule stems from Steven Covey and was discussed in a book on classroom management. The idea behind it is fairly simple. When you are trying to help someone make a decision, it is more helpful to first understand exact decision being made rather than giving reasons for a certain choice.

By taking the time and energy to do this during 2012, I feel as though I can become a better person, friends, and Christian example. I know that I am already being put to the test on this goal this year as some very good friends and mentors are facing some difficult choices in the coming months. No matter what they decide, I know that it is ultimately their decision is made on a personal level and that it is best if I support them rather than trying to change their mind in favor of something I feel is the right choice.

- C

New year, New beginnings

While I know that this is a rather lofty goal that will most likely have a few failures along the way, I am still going to put it out there for 2012. For the next year, it is my goal to keep this blog updated more often. I am considering adapting and posting delayed journal entries so that I am not just writing blind at my most vulnerable points. I feel that this will both help me work through challenges as well as keep people (if anybody actually reads this thing...lol) in the know about my public life, with occasional glimpses of my personal life.

I already have the first few post planned and ready to write. I must say at this point that some of the things I write are going to be pretty hard for me to admit to and extremely personal. I will also be allowing comments on most posts if you wish to offer helpful advise or suggestions. Please refrain from negative comments or personal attacks at me or other users.

See you all in 2012, 16 hours to go :)

C