Spring "Break"

I know that I haven't exactly kept up my end of the deal about blogging every week this semester, but that is not to say that I haven't documented my experience. In fact, I have a nightly log from everyday that I have been in the classroom.

As my blogging pattern has shown, something big must have happened for me to take the time to post something. That is the case and unfortunately, it is something negative that is still shaking me up pretty bad.

I don't really want to beat around the bush and make this a long drawn out sob story, so here goes. As many of you know I am currently working on my Masters degree in Education. The final hurdle for me to graduate is to pass a set of comprehensive exams, or comps. Comps are comprised of 3 multiple choice tests and one essay test. If you fail, you don't graduate and have an opportunity to take them again during the next semester. Based on this information, you can guess where this is heading.

While I did pass the multiple choice exams, I did not pass the essay portion. While this is pretty hard to bear, it is not exactly unexpected. I honestly didn't expect that I would be able to pass the essay portion, largely because I don't do well when I have to hand-write an essay under a time constraint. This test in particular involved writing a 10-12 page single spaced essay on a legal tablet in 4 hours. In addition, this test for the most part was just regurgitating the textbook from the class.

If this was not a big enough blow to me emotionally, I have also been on Spring Break this past week, which is a sort of two-edged sword. On the positive side, I have not been at school this week and have had a break. The flip side of this issue is that I have been on break which means I had a lot of free time. As many of you know it also meant that I most likely was planning and/or took a trip to Nashville to see my "big brother" and his family, which always drains me emotionally for a variety of reasons.

That being said, I am hoping that I can "reset" again and finish out the rest of my student teaching/semester strong, with less stress and distractions. It is still a pretty big blow to my self-esteem and potential plans, but I know that there is a bigger plan at work than mine.

ME Time

"The marks humans leave are too often scars" - Augustus Waters, TFiOS

So let me begin by apologizing for not notifying my readers (if there are any...lol) that I was going to change and modify my goal of blogging/journaling from a daily event to a more weekly schedule, which will hopefully be easier to do with the increased demands of my final semester in graduate school, which involves student teaching.

This post may seem a bit disjointed and at times "rabbit-hole", but that is likely to be the case with me doing weekly posts.

I have had several things on my mind during the last few weeks, but nothing that I have felt a deep need to feel out through writing. I have spend much time sleeping and trying to enjoy my last few days of "break" before I jump into student teaching next week. A majority of my thoughts have been centered around how things have and are changing in my life.

I am at a point (and yes I have ranted about changes in almost every post on this blog) where decisions and choices that I have made are becoming evident, as well as facing choices that will reap unknown results at some point in the future. It is a bit difficult for me to handle some of these choices because I thrive on having a set schedule or routine, with as few hurdles as possible. On the positive side of this, it has become easier for me in the last few years to accept and move on from setbacks, even if I don't initially handle them well.There are a few REALLY big, seemingly complicated things looming on the horizon for me, some of which may not be easy for me to face, but that are necessary for me to be able to live a happy and meaningful life, both personally and publicly.

Fortunately for me, I have had time in the past few weeks to take some "me-time" and be an actual human being as Dr. Wright would say. This time has allowed me to focus energy back on myself, thus filling up my tank so that I can go out into the world recharged. One habit that has been slipping through the cracks is that of reading. While I had begun reading more in college, I truly did not become hungry for reading again until graduate school. Since my brief stay in Nashville, I rarely do not have a book to read or author to discuss.

Specifically within the last year I have developed a passion for young-adult or teen fiction. It may just be me still adjusting to my life outside of "the shell", but I truly love books in this niche of literature. While trying to quench this thirst and passion for reading I have been privileged to enjoy such tomes as The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins, The Traveler Series by John Twelve Hawks, and The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod by Heather Brewer. In addition I have developed a deep love for two extremely talented authors: Ted Dekker & John Green.

By far, Dekker is probably my favorite author. His Circle Series is what got me hooked, and I love his work so much that I am actually pre-ordering books on Amazon now. While it can be hard to pinpoint exactly a general theme for Dekker's work, a majority of his work has a very distinctive mysterious aspect, that are artfully written in a tapestry of good vs. evil.

John Green is an author that I actually became interested in due to his popularity on Youtube. After finally reading, Looking for Alaska, I became hooked on the way he wrote. The quote at the top of this post is actually from his newest work, The Fault in Our Stars, which just came out this week (and yes I pre-ordered it too).

As I begin student teaching this week, it is my ultimate hope for this semester that I can remember that I am not a machine, but an actual living, breathing person who needs to be sure and set time aside for myself, whether it be to read, write, or listen to music. I need to be sure to take time for myself so that I can effectively do my best work for and with others.

Choices

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. - Phillipians 4:13

I know that this post is technically a few minutes late, and even though it is the first post of 2012, it probably won't be the last late post for the year...lol Lately, I have been reflecting on what choices are and why I have made the decisions I have in my life. This topic has even influenced a number of dreams that I have had recently.

While choices are not a bad thing, they are one of many two-edged swords in the world around us. While every choice made is done so with an individual set of circumstances and environment, there is always a simultaneous positive and negative outcome. With the positive comes the possibility of the shiny and new: something that one has never experienced before, a chance for a new beginning, or to build new relationships. With the negative, there are hurt feelings, a sense of abandonment or betrayal, and an overall feeling of sadness..

There are far too many factors that contribute to a person's final decision of how to remedy a choice and make a decision for one to just go consult a master source on the best decision. Ultimately the choices that we make, no matter the influences or factors, are made by deeply personal feelings and senses of responsibility. Nobody other than the actual person making the decision can understand exactly the struggle and pain gone through to pick the right outcome that is the best choice for them and hurts the least number of those closest to them.

I personally will admit that I, rather than failing to analyze my choices, then to over analyze decisions and constantly question myself if I made the right choice. To some extent, this is good, but should I ever get to the point that I cannot function without questioning why I am doing something, I know I have a problem.

As I write this, I am reminded of a quote from the 1995 film, The Bridges of Madison County, " We are the choices that we have made." To a certain extent this is true. The choices and decisions that we make reflect not only our values and beliefs, but also what kind of person we truly are. While others may not know the reasons why we make certain decisions, they can see that we are doing our best to do what we feel is the right thing.

One of my goals this year is to be there for my friends and family to support them in big decisions that they make this year. This goal is largely influenced by things I have done in the past when I had a worse problem of being extremely co-dependent on people that showed any interest in my life, as well as a principle that I studied this semester, that encourages people to seek to understand first and then be understood. This basic rule stems from Steven Covey and was discussed in a book on classroom management. The idea behind it is fairly simple. When you are trying to help someone make a decision, it is more helpful to first understand exact decision being made rather than giving reasons for a certain choice.

By taking the time and energy to do this during 2012, I feel as though I can become a better person, friends, and Christian example. I know that I am already being put to the test on this goal this year as some very good friends and mentors are facing some difficult choices in the coming months. No matter what they decide, I know that it is ultimately their decision is made on a personal level and that it is best if I support them rather than trying to change their mind in favor of something I feel is the right choice.

- C

New year, New beginnings

While I know that this is a rather lofty goal that will most likely have a few failures along the way, I am still going to put it out there for 2012. For the next year, it is my goal to keep this blog updated more often. I am considering adapting and posting delayed journal entries so that I am not just writing blind at my most vulnerable points. I feel that this will both help me work through challenges as well as keep people (if anybody actually reads this thing...lol) in the know about my public life, with occasional glimpses of my personal life.

I already have the first few post planned and ready to write. I must say at this point that some of the things I write are going to be pretty hard for me to admit to and extremely personal. I will also be allowing comments on most posts if you wish to offer helpful advise or suggestions. Please refrain from negative comments or personal attacks at me or other users.

See you all in 2012, 16 hours to go :)

C

Two roads....

This is probably a post that should have been made weeks and/or months ago, but I have been so paralyzed by fear and judgement that I haven't been able to force myself to do it.

The way that things stand right now, I will be graduating grad school in Spring 2012, essentially when at the same point I originally thought back in May 2010. There have been many rough patches since that original goal was set, including an especially rough and draining failed . attempt at living in Nashville, that taught me to always move forward toward new things instead of seeking to reestablish the past..

Back to the new goals though. With the extremely lofty goal of graduating in May, I will be taking 15+ grad hours this fall, if everything goes to plan. This is a high I know, but 6 of these hours will be online, and another 3 will be at a different university. This is where the choices I make become even more difficult, as I have never been a great judge of my own feelings or being able to read other peoples.

The other university in question is Univ. of Tennessee at Martin, a great school that is close to where I am currently living, but it is also where my best friend and bro D will be a sophomore. The class I need is not one for my actual degree, but one that I must have to meet TN state license requirements for education. The course is offered at Freed, but I really don't want to take it there and still be locked in to that area. Don't get me wrong, I love my Freed family and friends, but as of late I just don't feel like I am much of an asset on campus, most likely due to the fact that rather than spending money on living on campus, I am commuting for every class that I have.

I know that I would probably feel the same way at UTM, so I am considering getting a dorm for the semester to offer some change. My class schedule lends it self more to living at Martin then Freed, which is one of the reasons that I am still on the fence about what to do.

Those of you who know me (both extremely well and well) know that I have had some issues in the past that have really affected my mind and feelings about certain things. The problem with my current situation is that I can only see the negative outcomes for either choice I make. Either I can stay in my current toxic living situation and commute in both directions (Freed on Tues & Sat) and Martin (Mon & Wed AM), or get a dorm at Martin (or maybe even Freed) and chance destroying friendships in the process.

That last option may sound odd, but it is a reality for me. I have very few close personal friends, and don't want to jeopardize them. I have had a tendency to become overly dependent and borderline co-dependent on some of my friends in the past. I know that I might also have the opportunity to start new relationships, possibly romantic ones, in a new environment which adds even more anxiety to my situation.

I know that there is no magic golden bullet to fix this situation. I have talked most of this over with some of my friends, and have some idea of what each choice holds, but am no closer to having a solid decision that I can put my full support behind. Because of this, I ask that you pray for me and with me that I might figure out the best route for me to go at this difficult time.

C

Harry Potter

While I could approach the order of these entries in a number of ways, I am going to start with the biggest scar in my life, the "Harry Potter" scar. I phrase it this way not because I am a total nerd, but because this scar is one that will shape my life forever, and one that cannot fully heal as it comes from an internal injury of my heart and soul. Also in relation to this scar, it has a connection ton all my other scars and effects them in each in a unique way that never lets me be free from pain.

This scar is one tied very close to my spiritual life. The cause of it comes from an incident that occurred during the summer of 2008. At that time I was working my second summer as a youth intern at my home congregation. There were a lot of different factors that played a part in that happened that summer, but as I am only one player in this game of life, it is not fair for me to put them all on here from my skewed perspective. I say all of this to basically say that my home congregation split that summer. I sincerely hope that you never have to experience this pain or have to go through the events that followed. Following the initial event, my spiritual life literally went into a chaos of spirals.

While I was lucky enough to survive most of these spirals, I am no longer the same person that I once was. This is both a positive and negative thing in my life, as it has helped me realize just how fragile the solid things are in our life. The positive changes I have made or attempted to make have made me stronger. As for the negative, these are forces and habits that don't drive my life, but do have a unwanted place in my life.

As with all things in my life, I am thankful for everyday that I am able to live and have the ability to work through the many challenges of life. These tasks are made easier by having great friends and family to help me through the rough parts.

Scars - UPDATE

While working on these posts, I have decided to keep each scar post short and to the point. I may or may not elaborate on each at a later date, but at this time I just want to get my thoughts out and move on to more positive things. - Taxi