There have been so many set backs lately, especially in terms of finding a teaching position, that I want to say that "it is not fair." The only thing stopping me from saying this is my high school history teacher's voice replaying over in my brain saying, "a fair is a carnival and we are not going." To this day I cannot say that something isn't fair, or hear somebody say it to me without saying the above statement.
I guess what really has me feeling that way is the fact that recent graduates, many of which who are at least 4 years younger than me, already have teaching positions for this fall, a few even had them before graduating. The simplest explanation I can think of for this is that they have a bachelors in education whereas I have a masters, which means schools/systems would have to initially pay me more. This isn't the first time that I have found myself thinking that I may have jumped the gun with my masters, but I really didn't have much of a choice since my undergraduate was in Bible.
Add this to the fact that my past issues and struggles have been eating at me causing me to go on a roller coaster of emotions, with depression and anxiety, at the drop of a hat, thus making me feel absolutely awful. I really do need to find a job and move out (again) for my own sanity. I am 25, going on 26, years old and still living at home off of my parents. It just makes me feel like a complete and utter failure at life, with no silver lining in sight.
Hopefully something will come through in the next few weeks or I may have another break down. I am hoping to avoid this at all costs because I really don't think I can handle it this time since a majority of my support system is in middle Tennessee. JD may have had a point when he told me in December that I really needed to start talking to somebody again. I honestly would have started doing so by not, but I don't have the money to pay the counselor(s) or the gas money to drive to their offices. Hopefully a middle TN job will come through where I can use 6 free AGAPE visits.
Sorry if I rambled, I just really needed to get all of this out while it was on my mind - Taxi
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Advice from Miss Scarlett...
This isn't exactly the type of post that I want to be writing this soon after the last one, but I promised myself that I would be honest with myself and not try to hide my failures anymore.
Here it is Jan 10, and I have to admit that I have already relapsed on one of my biggest personal goals this year. I am happy that I lasted just over 10 days in keeping my commitment, but it is still hard to face the facts that I failed. Despite this failure, I can't help but think back on some advice from one of my closest and best friends that I am human and I am destined to fail. While this piece of advice may seem like just a slap in the face, it is rather it only the first part. The last part of what he told me was that I needed to take things one day at a time and not look back. If I was able to commit something for one day then I had already succeeded since I am not guaranteed another day on this earth.
This advice has been replaying over and over in my mind for the last few days. Unfortunately for me, in a moment of weakness I turned it down and allowed the deceitful voice of the devil to entice me to reward myself with things that are nothing more than gateways back into the very thing I am trying to avoid. This is largely because of two simple words that I have heard many awesome sermons and devotionals about these words and how to avoid them. Would you care to guess what they might be?
Justification and gratification. No matter what we as humans do, we always try to justify it. This word has been the downfall of many, especially when Christians start trying to use it when they are in direct conflict to God's will. I have found myself in this position many times, especially during the last few months, and have in my own human mind tried to justify why I had the right to do those things as well as why I was not disobeying God. As well as trying to justify my sins and mistakes, I am likewise also guilty of using gratification to reward myself for justifying my actions, and even worse rewarding myself for doing what I am supposed to be doing by following God.
Above all, I have to remember that I am human and no matter how hard I try or how strong I believe my will is, I WILL fail. It is at these times that I need to remember that I don't have to face these struggles and trials alone. I have a heavenly father who is always willing to help me if I ask him to help me work through the pain.
I am extremely grateful for some very special people who are helping me with some of my problems by offering unbiased, biblical advice when I need it most. I only hope that I can one day repay you by some form of kindness.
I will end with the famous words by Vivien Lee's portrayal of Scarlett O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!" - C
Here it is Jan 10, and I have to admit that I have already relapsed on one of my biggest personal goals this year. I am happy that I lasted just over 10 days in keeping my commitment, but it is still hard to face the facts that I failed. Despite this failure, I can't help but think back on some advice from one of my closest and best friends that I am human and I am destined to fail. While this piece of advice may seem like just a slap in the face, it is rather it only the first part. The last part of what he told me was that I needed to take things one day at a time and not look back. If I was able to commit something for one day then I had already succeeded since I am not guaranteed another day on this earth.
This advice has been replaying over and over in my mind for the last few days. Unfortunately for me, in a moment of weakness I turned it down and allowed the deceitful voice of the devil to entice me to reward myself with things that are nothing more than gateways back into the very thing I am trying to avoid. This is largely because of two simple words that I have heard many awesome sermons and devotionals about these words and how to avoid them. Would you care to guess what they might be?
Justification and gratification. No matter what we as humans do, we always try to justify it. This word has been the downfall of many, especially when Christians start trying to use it when they are in direct conflict to God's will. I have found myself in this position many times, especially during the last few months, and have in my own human mind tried to justify why I had the right to do those things as well as why I was not disobeying God. As well as trying to justify my sins and mistakes, I am likewise also guilty of using gratification to reward myself for justifying my actions, and even worse rewarding myself for doing what I am supposed to be doing by following God.
Above all, I have to remember that I am human and no matter how hard I try or how strong I believe my will is, I WILL fail. It is at these times that I need to remember that I don't have to face these struggles and trials alone. I have a heavenly father who is always willing to help me if I ask him to help me work through the pain.
I am extremely grateful for some very special people who are helping me with some of my problems by offering unbiased, biblical advice when I need it most. I only hope that I can one day repay you by some form of kindness.
I will end with the famous words by Vivien Lee's portrayal of Scarlett O'Hara, "After all, tomorrow is another day!" - C
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
New Beginnings...
I almost didn't write this post, but thought the benefits would trump the consequences. (How many times have I heard or written that statement?)
Either way, after much thought, self-reflection, and a few discussions with close friends, I have decided to try and write my feelings and/or reflections down more often (Again, I know I have said/written this many times also, but it is the thought that counts).
I am once again making a few simple goals for 2013, many of which I hope that I can keep. While I would love to put them all here out in the open, there are a few which are personal and/or I don't feel comfortable posting because they involve a few other people (those involved know who they are and what their role(s) are).
The largest and possibly most difficult task I am resolving to do is to quit comparing my successes/failures, especially in regards to the past. I have found that the constant comparison of successes and failures often results in periods of euphoria and depression respectively. This see-saw of emotions caused me much stress during 2012, from which I didn't always make the best of choices to remedy the situation.
I think for the most part the posts I try to put on here this year are going to be around this length give or take. I may also try a few different types of posts (reviews, journals, reflections, etc.) every now and then to spice things up.
I will end this post with a few of the more generic/simple goals for the year:
1) Do a daily bible reading (3 Chapters Mon-Sat, 5 on Sun)
2) Read 50 books during 2013
3) Cook and experiment with different foods, recipes, and techniques
4) Be a better friend and Christian example
- Christopher
(P.S. Extra points for anyone who can tell me actor from an SNL sketch who "writes" a song with the same title as this post...lol)
Either way, after much thought, self-reflection, and a few discussions with close friends, I have decided to try and write my feelings and/or reflections down more often (Again, I know I have said/written this many times also, but it is the thought that counts).
I am once again making a few simple goals for 2013, many of which I hope that I can keep. While I would love to put them all here out in the open, there are a few which are personal and/or I don't feel comfortable posting because they involve a few other people (those involved know who they are and what their role(s) are).
The largest and possibly most difficult task I am resolving to do is to quit comparing my successes/failures, especially in regards to the past. I have found that the constant comparison of successes and failures often results in periods of euphoria and depression respectively. This see-saw of emotions caused me much stress during 2012, from which I didn't always make the best of choices to remedy the situation.
I think for the most part the posts I try to put on here this year are going to be around this length give or take. I may also try a few different types of posts (reviews, journals, reflections, etc.) every now and then to spice things up.
I will end this post with a few of the more generic/simple goals for the year:
1) Do a daily bible reading (3 Chapters Mon-Sat, 5 on Sun)
2) Read 50 books during 2013
3) Cook and experiment with different foods, recipes, and techniques
4) Be a better friend and Christian example
- Christopher
(P.S. Extra points for anyone who can tell me actor from an SNL sketch who "writes" a song with the same title as this post...lol)
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Red Tape? More like Maroon/Gold Tape
As with many of these seemingly random posts, I have no real rhyme or reason for deciding to log in and type out my thoughts other than to simply see them in print and hopefully make some kind of sense out of how I am feeling.
Since the last time I did this, some things have changed, but not many. I did retake my exam in June and passed with no problem this time. It is amazing how much time one has when not commuting and student teaching. I really only studied just over a week before the exam and had very few problems if any memorizing the material necessary. While these events took place in mid-June, everything else related to my Masters froze in place. I say this because even though I passed the last requirement necessary for graduation, that event will not occur until December of this year. Long story short, I got the short end of the bureaucratic stick and got stuck in the middle of red tape technicalities. In not so many words, since I did not apply for August graduation in March (well before I even knew my first set of scores or even took the tests) I did not graduate this month.
This by itself, while a setback, wouldn't be such a big deal except my licensing paperwork could not be filed without some mention of my masters work as well as my final portfolio grade being entered. This really became a problem over the summer as I was applying for jobs since I had no official paperwork from Freed, despite paying for 3 full official transcripts at the end of student teaching in May. Finally, two weeks ago the paperwork was sent in and I now show up as having a license pending review. (All of this after the Freed licensing officer called me at home 9:00 on a Sunday night to ask where I did my undergraduate work!).
After all of this frustration, I now find myself in a position similar to where I was two years ago. Sitting around doing nothing feeling sorry for myself and trying to figure out what to do next. I am seriously considering substitute teaching for a while if I can get my background checks done. While not ideal it would still give me some freedom as well as a source of income. This would all be so much easier if I had some friends around to talk to. I say this only because Sarah and Jeremy have moved to Franklin and now have the adorable Luke and Liam. Daniel is starting his junior year at UTM and working 2 jobs. JD/Maria are in Nashville with their busy lives and James David/Jude. There are a few other people from Freed that I am friends with, but most of them are busy people themselves and I don't really have that close of a relationship with them.
If nothing else, I will just lose myself in a few more books and hope for the best :)
Since the last time I did this, some things have changed, but not many. I did retake my exam in June and passed with no problem this time. It is amazing how much time one has when not commuting and student teaching. I really only studied just over a week before the exam and had very few problems if any memorizing the material necessary. While these events took place in mid-June, everything else related to my Masters froze in place. I say this because even though I passed the last requirement necessary for graduation, that event will not occur until December of this year. Long story short, I got the short end of the bureaucratic stick and got stuck in the middle of red tape technicalities. In not so many words, since I did not apply for August graduation in March (well before I even knew my first set of scores or even took the tests) I did not graduate this month.
This by itself, while a setback, wouldn't be such a big deal except my licensing paperwork could not be filed without some mention of my masters work as well as my final portfolio grade being entered. This really became a problem over the summer as I was applying for jobs since I had no official paperwork from Freed, despite paying for 3 full official transcripts at the end of student teaching in May. Finally, two weeks ago the paperwork was sent in and I now show up as having a license pending review. (All of this after the Freed licensing officer called me at home 9:00 on a Sunday night to ask where I did my undergraduate work!).
After all of this frustration, I now find myself in a position similar to where I was two years ago. Sitting around doing nothing feeling sorry for myself and trying to figure out what to do next. I am seriously considering substitute teaching for a while if I can get my background checks done. While not ideal it would still give me some freedom as well as a source of income. This would all be so much easier if I had some friends around to talk to. I say this only because Sarah and Jeremy have moved to Franklin and now have the adorable Luke and Liam. Daniel is starting his junior year at UTM and working 2 jobs. JD/Maria are in Nashville with their busy lives and James David/Jude. There are a few other people from Freed that I am friends with, but most of them are busy people themselves and I don't really have that close of a relationship with them.
If nothing else, I will just lose myself in a few more books and hope for the best :)
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Spring "Break"
I know that I haven't exactly kept up my end of the deal about blogging every week this semester, but that is not to say that I haven't documented my experience. In fact, I have a nightly log from everyday that I have been in the classroom.
As my blogging pattern has shown, something big must have happened for me to take the time to post something. That is the case and unfortunately, it is something negative that is still shaking me up pretty bad.
I don't really want to beat around the bush and make this a long drawn out sob story, so here goes. As many of you know I am currently working on my Masters degree in Education. The final hurdle for me to graduate is to pass a set of comprehensive exams, or comps. Comps are comprised of 3 multiple choice tests and one essay test. If you fail, you don't graduate and have an opportunity to take them again during the next semester. Based on this information, you can guess where this is heading.
While I did pass the multiple choice exams, I did not pass the essay portion. While this is pretty hard to bear, it is not exactly unexpected. I honestly didn't expect that I would be able to pass the essay portion, largely because I don't do well when I have to hand-write an essay under a time constraint. This test in particular involved writing a 10-12 page single spaced essay on a legal tablet in 4 hours. In addition, this test for the most part was just regurgitating the textbook from the class.
If this was not a big enough blow to me emotionally, I have also been on Spring Break this past week, which is a sort of two-edged sword. On the positive side, I have not been at school this week and have had a break. The flip side of this issue is that I have been on break which means I had a lot of free time. As many of you know it also meant that I most likely was planning and/or took a trip to Nashville to see my "big brother" and his family, which always drains me emotionally for a variety of reasons.
That being said, I am hoping that I can "reset" again and finish out the rest of my student teaching/semester strong, with less stress and distractions. It is still a pretty big blow to my self-esteem and potential plans, but I know that there is a bigger plan at work than mine.
As my blogging pattern has shown, something big must have happened for me to take the time to post something. That is the case and unfortunately, it is something negative that is still shaking me up pretty bad.
I don't really want to beat around the bush and make this a long drawn out sob story, so here goes. As many of you know I am currently working on my Masters degree in Education. The final hurdle for me to graduate is to pass a set of comprehensive exams, or comps. Comps are comprised of 3 multiple choice tests and one essay test. If you fail, you don't graduate and have an opportunity to take them again during the next semester. Based on this information, you can guess where this is heading.
While I did pass the multiple choice exams, I did not pass the essay portion. While this is pretty hard to bear, it is not exactly unexpected. I honestly didn't expect that I would be able to pass the essay portion, largely because I don't do well when I have to hand-write an essay under a time constraint. This test in particular involved writing a 10-12 page single spaced essay on a legal tablet in 4 hours. In addition, this test for the most part was just regurgitating the textbook from the class.
If this was not a big enough blow to me emotionally, I have also been on Spring Break this past week, which is a sort of two-edged sword. On the positive side, I have not been at school this week and have had a break. The flip side of this issue is that I have been on break which means I had a lot of free time. As many of you know it also meant that I most likely was planning and/or took a trip to Nashville to see my "big brother" and his family, which always drains me emotionally for a variety of reasons.
That being said, I am hoping that I can "reset" again and finish out the rest of my student teaching/semester strong, with less stress and distractions. It is still a pretty big blow to my self-esteem and potential plans, but I know that there is a bigger plan at work than mine.
Friday, January 13, 2012
ME Time
"The marks humans leave are too often scars" - Augustus Waters, TFiOS
So let me begin by apologizing for not notifying my readers (if there are any...lol) that I was going to change and modify my goal of blogging/journaling from a daily event to a more weekly schedule, which will hopefully be easier to do with the increased demands of my final semester in graduate school, which involves student teaching.
This post may seem a bit disjointed and at times "rabbit-hole", but that is likely to be the case with me doing weekly posts.
I have had several things on my mind during the last few weeks, but nothing that I have felt a deep need to feel out through writing. I have spend much time sleeping and trying to enjoy my last few days of "break" before I jump into student teaching next week. A majority of my thoughts have been centered around how things have and are changing in my life.
I am at a point (and yes I have ranted about changes in almost every post on this blog) where decisions and choices that I have made are becoming evident, as well as facing choices that will reap unknown results at some point in the future. It is a bit difficult for me to handle some of these choices because I thrive on having a set schedule or routine, with as few hurdles as possible. On the positive side of this, it has become easier for me in the last few years to accept and move on from setbacks, even if I don't initially handle them well.There are a few REALLY big, seemingly complicated things looming on the horizon for me, some of which may not be easy for me to face, but that are necessary for me to be able to live a happy and meaningful life, both personally and publicly.
Fortunately for me, I have had time in the past few weeks to take some "me-time" and be an actual human being as Dr. Wright would say. This time has allowed me to focus energy back on myself, thus filling up my tank so that I can go out into the world recharged. One habit that has been slipping through the cracks is that of reading. While I had begun reading more in college, I truly did not become hungry for reading again until graduate school. Since my brief stay in Nashville, I rarely do not have a book to read or author to discuss.
Specifically within the last year I have developed a passion for young-adult or teen fiction. It may just be me still adjusting to my life outside of "the shell", but I truly love books in this niche of literature. While trying to quench this thirst and passion for reading I have been privileged to enjoy such tomes as The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins, The Traveler Series by John Twelve Hawks, and The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod by Heather Brewer. In addition I have developed a deep love for two extremely talented authors: Ted Dekker & John Green.
By far, Dekker is probably my favorite author. His Circle Series is what got me hooked, and I love his work so much that I am actually pre-ordering books on Amazon now. While it can be hard to pinpoint exactly a general theme for Dekker's work, a majority of his work has a very distinctive mysterious aspect, that are artfully written in a tapestry of good vs. evil.
John Green is an author that I actually became interested in due to his popularity on Youtube. After finally reading, Looking for Alaska, I became hooked on the way he wrote. The quote at the top of this post is actually from his newest work, The Fault in Our Stars, which just came out this week (and yes I pre-ordered it too).
As I begin student teaching this week, it is my ultimate hope for this semester that I can remember that I am not a machine, but an actual living, breathing person who needs to be sure and set time aside for myself, whether it be to read, write, or listen to music. I need to be sure to take time for myself so that I can effectively do my best work for and with others.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Choices
I can do all things through him who strengthens me. - Phillipians 4:13
I know that this post is technically a few minutes late, and even though it is the first post of 2012, it probably won't be the last late post for the year...lol Lately, I have been reflecting on what choices are and why I have made the decisions I have in my life. This topic has even influenced a number of dreams that I have had recently.
While choices are not a bad thing, they are one of many two-edged swords in the world around us. While every choice made is done so with an individual set of circumstances and environment, there is always a simultaneous positive and negative outcome. With the positive comes the possibility of the shiny and new: something that one has never experienced before, a chance for a new beginning, or to build new relationships. With the negative, there are hurt feelings, a sense of abandonment or betrayal, and an overall feeling of sadness..
There are far too many factors that contribute to a person's final decision of how to remedy a choice and make a decision for one to just go consult a master source on the best decision. Ultimately the choices that we make, no matter the influences or factors, are made by deeply personal feelings and senses of responsibility. Nobody other than the actual person making the decision can understand exactly the struggle and pain gone through to pick the right outcome that is the best choice for them and hurts the least number of those closest to them.
I personally will admit that I, rather than failing to analyze my choices, then to over analyze decisions and constantly question myself if I made the right choice. To some extent, this is good, but should I ever get to the point that I cannot function without questioning why I am doing something, I know I have a problem.
As I write this, I am reminded of a quote from the 1995 film, The Bridges of Madison County, " We are the choices that we have made." To a certain extent this is true. The choices and decisions that we make reflect not only our values and beliefs, but also what kind of person we truly are. While others may not know the reasons why we make certain decisions, they can see that we are doing our best to do what we feel is the right thing.
One of my goals this year is to be there for my friends and family to support them in big decisions that they make this year. This goal is largely influenced by things I have done in the past when I had a worse problem of being extremely co-dependent on people that showed any interest in my life, as well as a principle that I studied this semester, that encourages people to seek to understand first and then be understood. This basic rule stems from Steven Covey and was discussed in a book on classroom management. The idea behind it is fairly simple. When you are trying to help someone make a decision, it is more helpful to first understand exact decision being made rather than giving reasons for a certain choice.
By taking the time and energy to do this during 2012, I feel as though I can become a better person, friends, and Christian example. I know that I am already being put to the test on this goal this year as some very good friends and mentors are facing some difficult choices in the coming months. No matter what they decide, I know that it is ultimately their decision is made on a personal level and that it is best if I support them rather than trying to change their mind in favor of something I feel is the right choice.
- C
Saturday, December 31, 2011
New year, New beginnings
While I know that this is a rather lofty goal that will most likely have a few failures along the way, I am still going to put it out there for 2012. For the next year, it is my goal to keep this blog updated more often. I am considering adapting and posting delayed journal entries so that I am not just writing blind at my most vulnerable points. I feel that this will both help me work through challenges as well as keep people (if anybody actually reads this thing...lol) in the know about my public life, with occasional glimpses of my personal life.
I already have the first few post planned and ready to write. I must say at this point that some of the things I write are going to be pretty hard for me to admit to and extremely personal. I will also be allowing comments on most posts if you wish to offer helpful advise or suggestions. Please refrain from negative comments or personal attacks at me or other users.
See you all in 2012, 16 hours to go :)
C
I already have the first few post planned and ready to write. I must say at this point that some of the things I write are going to be pretty hard for me to admit to and extremely personal. I will also be allowing comments on most posts if you wish to offer helpful advise or suggestions. Please refrain from negative comments or personal attacks at me or other users.
See you all in 2012, 16 hours to go :)
C
Friday, July 22, 2011
Two roads....
This is probably a post that should have been made weeks and/or months ago, but I have been so paralyzed by fear and judgement that I haven't been able to force myself to do it.
The way that things stand right now, I will be graduating grad school in Spring 2012, essentially when at the same point I originally thought back in May 2010. There have been many rough patches since that original goal was set, including an especially rough and draining failed . attempt at living in Nashville, that taught me to always move forward toward new things instead of seeking to reestablish the past..
Back to the new goals though. With the extremely lofty goal of graduating in May, I will be taking 15+ grad hours this fall, if everything goes to plan. This is a high I know, but 6 of these hours will be online, and another 3 will be at a different university. This is where the choices I make become even more difficult, as I have never been a great judge of my own feelings or being able to read other peoples.
The other university in question is Univ. of Tennessee at Martin, a great school that is close to where I am currently living, but it is also where my best friend and bro D will be a sophomore. The class I need is not one for my actual degree, but one that I must have to meet TN state license requirements for education. The course is offered at Freed, but I really don't want to take it there and still be locked in to that area. Don't get me wrong, I love my Freed family and friends, but as of late I just don't feel like I am much of an asset on campus, most likely due to the fact that rather than spending money on living on campus, I am commuting for every class that I have.
I know that I would probably feel the same way at UTM, so I am considering getting a dorm for the semester to offer some change. My class schedule lends it self more to living at Martin then Freed, which is one of the reasons that I am still on the fence about what to do.
Those of you who know me (both extremely well and well) know that I have had some issues in the past that have really affected my mind and feelings about certain things. The problem with my current situation is that I can only see the negative outcomes for either choice I make. Either I can stay in my current toxic living situation and commute in both directions (Freed on Tues & Sat) and Martin (Mon & Wed AM), or get a dorm at Martin (or maybe even Freed) and chance destroying friendships in the process.
That last option may sound odd, but it is a reality for me. I have very few close personal friends, and don't want to jeopardize them. I have had a tendency to become overly dependent and borderline co-dependent on some of my friends in the past. I know that I might also have the opportunity to start new relationships, possibly romantic ones, in a new environment which adds even more anxiety to my situation.
I know that there is no magic golden bullet to fix this situation. I have talked most of this over with some of my friends, and have some idea of what each choice holds, but am no closer to having a solid decision that I can put my full support behind. Because of this, I ask that you pray for me and with me that I might figure out the best route for me to go at this difficult time.
C
The way that things stand right now, I will be graduating grad school in Spring 2012, essentially when at the same point I originally thought back in May 2010. There have been many rough patches since that original goal was set, including an especially rough and draining failed . attempt at living in Nashville, that taught me to always move forward toward new things instead of seeking to reestablish the past..
Back to the new goals though. With the extremely lofty goal of graduating in May, I will be taking 15+ grad hours this fall, if everything goes to plan. This is a high I know, but 6 of these hours will be online, and another 3 will be at a different university. This is where the choices I make become even more difficult, as I have never been a great judge of my own feelings or being able to read other peoples.
The other university in question is Univ. of Tennessee at Martin, a great school that is close to where I am currently living, but it is also where my best friend and bro D will be a sophomore. The class I need is not one for my actual degree, but one that I must have to meet TN state license requirements for education. The course is offered at Freed, but I really don't want to take it there and still be locked in to that area. Don't get me wrong, I love my Freed family and friends, but as of late I just don't feel like I am much of an asset on campus, most likely due to the fact that rather than spending money on living on campus, I am commuting for every class that I have.
I know that I would probably feel the same way at UTM, so I am considering getting a dorm for the semester to offer some change. My class schedule lends it self more to living at Martin then Freed, which is one of the reasons that I am still on the fence about what to do.
Those of you who know me (both extremely well and well) know that I have had some issues in the past that have really affected my mind and feelings about certain things. The problem with my current situation is that I can only see the negative outcomes for either choice I make. Either I can stay in my current toxic living situation and commute in both directions (Freed on Tues & Sat) and Martin (Mon & Wed AM), or get a dorm at Martin (or maybe even Freed) and chance destroying friendships in the process.
That last option may sound odd, but it is a reality for me. I have very few close personal friends, and don't want to jeopardize them. I have had a tendency to become overly dependent and borderline co-dependent on some of my friends in the past. I know that I might also have the opportunity to start new relationships, possibly romantic ones, in a new environment which adds even more anxiety to my situation.
I know that there is no magic golden bullet to fix this situation. I have talked most of this over with some of my friends, and have some idea of what each choice holds, but am no closer to having a solid decision that I can put my full support behind. Because of this, I ask that you pray for me and with me that I might figure out the best route for me to go at this difficult time.
C
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Harry Potter
While I could approach the order of these entries in a number of ways, I am going to start with the biggest scar in my life, the "Harry Potter" scar. I phrase it this way not because I am a total nerd, but because this scar is one that will shape my life forever, and one that cannot fully heal as it comes from an internal injury of my heart and soul. Also in relation to this scar, it has a connection ton all my other scars and effects them in each in a unique way that never lets me be free from pain.
This scar is one tied very close to my spiritual life. The cause of it comes from an incident that occurred during the summer of 2008. At that time I was working my second summer as a youth intern at my home congregation. There were a lot of different factors that played a part in that happened that summer, but as I am only one player in this game of life, it is not fair for me to put them all on here from my skewed perspective. I say all of this to basically say that my home congregation split that summer. I sincerely hope that you never have to experience this pain or have to go through the events that followed. Following the initial event, my spiritual life literally went into a chaos of spirals.
While I was lucky enough to survive most of these spirals, I am no longer the same person that I once was. This is both a positive and negative thing in my life, as it has helped me realize just how fragile the solid things are in our life. The positive changes I have made or attempted to make have made me stronger. As for the negative, these are forces and habits that don't drive my life, but do have a unwanted place in my life.
As with all things in my life, I am thankful for everyday that I am able to live and have the ability to work through the many challenges of life. These tasks are made easier by having great friends and family to help me through the rough parts.
This scar is one tied very close to my spiritual life. The cause of it comes from an incident that occurred during the summer of 2008. At that time I was working my second summer as a youth intern at my home congregation. There were a lot of different factors that played a part in that happened that summer, but as I am only one player in this game of life, it is not fair for me to put them all on here from my skewed perspective. I say all of this to basically say that my home congregation split that summer. I sincerely hope that you never have to experience this pain or have to go through the events that followed. Following the initial event, my spiritual life literally went into a chaos of spirals.
While I was lucky enough to survive most of these spirals, I am no longer the same person that I once was. This is both a positive and negative thing in my life, as it has helped me realize just how fragile the solid things are in our life. The positive changes I have made or attempted to make have made me stronger. As for the negative, these are forces and habits that don't drive my life, but do have a unwanted place in my life.
As with all things in my life, I am thankful for everyday that I am able to live and have the ability to work through the many challenges of life. These tasks are made easier by having great friends and family to help me through the rough parts.
Scars - UPDATE
While working on these posts, I have decided to keep each scar post short and to the point. I may or may not elaborate on each at a later date, but at this time I just want to get my thoughts out and move on to more positive things. - Taxi
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Scars
As I mentioned in the last post, I intend to start weaving in more personal information in my posts. Before I do that however, I want to remind you about the rule I set about confronting me with questions about the information I include. I will do my best to never include the real names of the people involved or purposely embarrass people. It is my sole intention to present things from my point of view as I have or am in the process of working through them.
To save time and space I will not start at the "beginning" and give every little detail, but rather a look at the wounds and scars in my life. I first began looking at "wounds" while I was working through a program last year. The examination of wounds is meant to serve as a beginning of the healing process. For a while this method worked as a nice bandage. But like most wounds that are not constantly cleaned and treated my wounds have left some pretty nice scars, which serve as constant reminders of the pain and actions that caused them. Over the next few posts, I will be revealing some of these scars and the pain associated with them.
To save time and space I will not start at the "beginning" and give every little detail, but rather a look at the wounds and scars in my life. I first began looking at "wounds" while I was working through a program last year. The examination of wounds is meant to serve as a beginning of the healing process. For a while this method worked as a nice bandage. But like most wounds that are not constantly cleaned and treated my wounds have left some pretty nice scars, which serve as constant reminders of the pain and actions that caused them. Over the next few posts, I will be revealing some of these scars and the pain associated with them.
The Darkness Deepens
Do you ever get the feeling that the harder you try not to do something, the stronger the urge is to do it? This feeling is sometimes so strong that you feel powerless to ignore it. Unfortunately for me, this week has been just like that.
Since about this time last year, there are several thing that I have tried to stop doing in my life. I have been extremely successful at doing that for some things, but for the most part I have failed. Most of those things are in a gray area where I have not completely stopped doing them, but have reduced the frequency.
The things in which I have been successful in stopping have created a very positive and happy void in my life. While having a void may sound bad, it is actually the polar opposite because it allows so me so many wonderful experiences and people to become a part of my daily life.
This gray area has gotten much darker this week. One of the biggest tasks that I have been working so hard on came to an abrupt end around the middle of the week. This is something that I was extremely proud of having accomplished a solid two months of success on. Though it going to be a VERY difficult climb back out of this pit again, I do not intend to let it drag me further down and open all the doors that I have been able to close.
To help this process along, I will hopefully be posting on a more regular basis to help avoid the temptations. It is also important for me to continue exploring why I became involved with the darker things in my life. Therefore, I may start putting some more personal stuff in these posts, as I sometimes feel that I am the only one struggling, I know that is not true. Maybe we can work through some of our problems together and help each other make our lights and lives brighter in the world around us.
If I do start putting more personal things in these posts, please do not approach me and ask me to talk about them. I have a special group of people whom I trust, and that know me and the specific details about most of the things I will post. If you are one of them, I may come to you to talk about things. If you are not one of these people, again please do not ask me to reveal or discuss anything further than what is posted.
Phil 4:13, Prov 20:18
Since about this time last year, there are several thing that I have tried to stop doing in my life. I have been extremely successful at doing that for some things, but for the most part I have failed. Most of those things are in a gray area where I have not completely stopped doing them, but have reduced the frequency.
The things in which I have been successful in stopping have created a very positive and happy void in my life. While having a void may sound bad, it is actually the polar opposite because it allows so me so many wonderful experiences and people to become a part of my daily life.
This gray area has gotten much darker this week. One of the biggest tasks that I have been working so hard on came to an abrupt end around the middle of the week. This is something that I was extremely proud of having accomplished a solid two months of success on. Though it going to be a VERY difficult climb back out of this pit again, I do not intend to let it drag me further down and open all the doors that I have been able to close.
To help this process along, I will hopefully be posting on a more regular basis to help avoid the temptations. It is also important for me to continue exploring why I became involved with the darker things in my life. Therefore, I may start putting some more personal stuff in these posts, as I sometimes feel that I am the only one struggling, I know that is not true. Maybe we can work through some of our problems together and help each other make our lights and lives brighter in the world around us.
If I do start putting more personal things in these posts, please do not approach me and ask me to talk about them. I have a special group of people whom I trust, and that know me and the specific details about most of the things I will post. If you are one of them, I may come to you to talk about things. If you are not one of these people, again please do not ask me to reveal or discuss anything further than what is posted.
Phil 4:13, Prov 20:18
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Steel Magnolias
I have been wanting to post something for a while now, and still haven't figured out the exact words to express how I am feeling, but I am going to give it my best shot.
There are specific times in all of our lives that can be considered turning points. These points can present themselves in many different ways and can be both positive and negative. During the last year, I have experienced a number of such points. My emotions have been on both ends of the spectrum. More times than not I have focused on the negative aspects of my life and how I have screwed things up. However, during the past few weeks I have seen how destructive this thinking has been in my life.
I have so many blessings and opportunities in my life, that I take for granted more times then not. I have supportive friends and family. I have a great church family. I have an awesome group of peers and mentors. Above all of these blessings though, I have a relationship with God that can get me though anything.
It is this relationship with God that has gotten me through many things since the first of the year. I am back in school, I am making new friends and building new relationships, and most importantly I am letting my Christian light shine bright. The most drastic change in my life has been that of dealing with some sinful and destructive habits. These are habits that had been creeping slowly into my life for years, and very quickly destroying me from within. For those of you who know what these habits were, I am forever in your debt for helping me in the process of eliminating them from my life.
There are several more positive changes that may be coming my way soon, so I will try to try and do this more often to keep you all up to date.
- Taxi
P.S. :
I know the title is a little strange. For you to get full meaning of title, you must know a little about my life and have seen the movie. It is one that holds a very special place in my life. And before you ask, I as a man do cry when watching this movie :)
There are specific times in all of our lives that can be considered turning points. These points can present themselves in many different ways and can be both positive and negative. During the last year, I have experienced a number of such points. My emotions have been on both ends of the spectrum. More times than not I have focused on the negative aspects of my life and how I have screwed things up. However, during the past few weeks I have seen how destructive this thinking has been in my life.
I have so many blessings and opportunities in my life, that I take for granted more times then not. I have supportive friends and family. I have a great church family. I have an awesome group of peers and mentors. Above all of these blessings though, I have a relationship with God that can get me though anything.
It is this relationship with God that has gotten me through many things since the first of the year. I am back in school, I am making new friends and building new relationships, and most importantly I am letting my Christian light shine bright. The most drastic change in my life has been that of dealing with some sinful and destructive habits. These are habits that had been creeping slowly into my life for years, and very quickly destroying me from within. For those of you who know what these habits were, I am forever in your debt for helping me in the process of eliminating them from my life.
There are several more positive changes that may be coming my way soon, so I will try to try and do this more often to keep you all up to date.
- Taxi
P.S. :
I know the title is a little strange. For you to get full meaning of title, you must know a little about my life and have seen the movie. It is one that holds a very special place in my life. And before you ask, I as a man do cry when watching this movie :)
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Reboot...Take 2!
As the title for this post alludes to, I am once again starting a new path. This time around I hope to be able to keep this blog going as a method of communication and an outlet for how my life is going.
Probably the biggest thing in my life right now is the fact that I am once again officially a graduate student. This time I am going back to a familiar campus that is both closer to home and a place that feels like home. "To Thee Our Dearest FHU..."
Yes, I am now a graduate student at Freed-Hardeman. This time around I am pursuing my Masters in Education in Curriculum and Instruction for Middle School (Grades 4-8). I start on January 15, and will hopefully have an apartment and job in the Henderson area. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted
-Taxi
Probably the biggest thing in my life right now is the fact that I am once again officially a graduate student. This time I am going back to a familiar campus that is both closer to home and a place that feels like home. "To Thee Our Dearest FHU..."
Yes, I am now a graduate student at Freed-Hardeman. This time around I am pursuing my Masters in Education in Curriculum and Instruction for Middle School (Grades 4-8). I start on January 15, and will hopefully have an apartment and job in the Henderson area. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted
-Taxi
Monday, August 30, 2010
Setting the Record Straight
Before gossip and rumors start to circulate, I want to put the truth out there for any of my readers about what is going on at this point in my life.
In my last post, I made mention of some big changes that were coming my way. At this point those changes have come, and I will never be the same again after experiencing them.
Unfortunately, the combination of these changes with some other factors (personal, emotional, and financial) have proved too much for me at this point. Due to this realization, I have made the very difficult decision to withdraw from the MSSW program I was in, terminate my lease, and move back home. The timing of these decisions are not exactly convenient for continuing my education at this point, therefore making it next August before I can select a new program, most likely a Masters in Counseling.
I don't want to make any concrete commitments to any specific programs right now, but am at this time leaning heavily toward my alma mater of FHU.
During my "year off", I am planning on getting a job and saving up some money so that I can be more financially sound than I was this year, and also hopefully recover from and repay some of the financial debts I have amassed from this mistake.
I would like to ask that you all remember me in your daily prayers as I am going to be facing some rough and difficult circumstances during the next few weeks and months getting back on my feet.
In my last post, I made mention of some big changes that were coming my way. At this point those changes have come, and I will never be the same again after experiencing them.
Unfortunately, the combination of these changes with some other factors (personal, emotional, and financial) have proved too much for me at this point. Due to this realization, I have made the very difficult decision to withdraw from the MSSW program I was in, terminate my lease, and move back home. The timing of these decisions are not exactly convenient for continuing my education at this point, therefore making it next August before I can select a new program, most likely a Masters in Counseling.
I don't want to make any concrete commitments to any specific programs right now, but am at this time leaning heavily toward my alma mater of FHU.
During my "year off", I am planning on getting a job and saving up some money so that I can be more financially sound than I was this year, and also hopefully recover from and repay some of the financial debts I have amassed from this mistake.
I would like to ask that you all remember me in your daily prayers as I am going to be facing some rough and difficult circumstances during the next few weeks and months getting back on my feet.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Changes
I am not sure if anyone actually reads this thing since I haven't updated it in so long, but I am hopefully going to be writing more in the next few months.
It would take quite a bit of space to mention all of the details of my life since my last post, so here is my life in a nut shell: 22nd birthday, graduation from FHU, and summer at home.
Now that I've caught you all up, I can start with the current events of my life.
In just under three weeks, I will be moving to Nashville, TN and beginning work on my Masters in Social Work at the Univ. of TN College of Social Work. I am very excited to be doing this as it is a great opportunity and an asset to my undergraduate work. I already have an apartment and am now on the hunt for a job (any suggestions let me know...lol)
This is naturally a very big step, and one that some of you know is also a large challenge for me due to some situations in my life. It the combination of these events that and the weight that they carry that have convinced me to start blogging again as an outlet.
By far the heaviest thing on my mind right now is my wide open future in the big world of Nashville. Having caught the garter at two weddings, many seem to think that a walk down the aisle may be in my near future. While this may be true, I have never actually been in a relationship with a girl, let alone even on a date with one! Add on top of this the two recent lessons I have heard at church and SYS on the subject of marriage and the qualities to look for in a good mate.
(Those of you who are in my inner circle know some more facts about this that I don't want to broadcast worldwide)
So, for now, I am going to try being a bachelor, and leave the rest in God's hands.
It would take quite a bit of space to mention all of the details of my life since my last post, so here is my life in a nut shell: 22nd birthday, graduation from FHU, and summer at home.
Now that I've caught you all up, I can start with the current events of my life.
In just under three weeks, I will be moving to Nashville, TN and beginning work on my Masters in Social Work at the Univ. of TN College of Social Work. I am very excited to be doing this as it is a great opportunity and an asset to my undergraduate work. I already have an apartment and am now on the hunt for a job (any suggestions let me know...lol)
This is naturally a very big step, and one that some of you know is also a large challenge for me due to some situations in my life. It the combination of these events that and the weight that they carry that have convinced me to start blogging again as an outlet.
By far the heaviest thing on my mind right now is my wide open future in the big world of Nashville. Having caught the garter at two weddings, many seem to think that a walk down the aisle may be in my near future. While this may be true, I have never actually been in a relationship with a girl, let alone even on a date with one! Add on top of this the two recent lessons I have heard at church and SYS on the subject of marriage and the qualities to look for in a good mate.
(Those of you who are in my inner circle know some more facts about this that I don't want to broadcast worldwide)
So, for now, I am going to try being a bachelor, and leave the rest in God's hands.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Bittersweet Season
Let me begin by wishing anybody who actually reads my random posts on this blog a Happy Thanksgiving!
Many people take this time of year for granted. Sure it is a time for family gatherings, large amounts of food, and time out of school but it is truly more. It is a time to treasure and value what you have and what you have lost. This last part is especially true if you have ever lost loved ones around this time of year.
While I am not saying it is easier to experience the loss of a loved one other times of the year, I am just saying it is especially difficult around a time that is usually cheerful and which many memories are made.
I have experienced this a few times in my life, but the most painful loss that I am still dealing with to some aspect occurred almost 4 years ago when my grandmother died from lung cancer. She had just moved back to Paris from Nashville in April of 2005. She was diagnosed with the cancer in June. This was also the summer before my senior year in high school. There were several difficult decisions made toward the end of her illness, both regarding her health and my personal life.
Some of my personal decisions during the last week still haunt me, but one in particular I still struggle with around Thanksgiving. That decision was to go do the “traditional” Thanksgiving meal with my dad’s side of the family at Cracker Barrel. I felt like this would be a good thing to do at the time since I had spent so much time with my grandmother. Just a day short of a week later on Nov 30 she died. I thought of many things that she would miss including my graduation, Christmas, and many other milestones in my life, but what really had me upset was the fact that I had not spent Thanksgiving with her.
I still get emotional around this time of year, but have come to realize that I am not the only one feeling pain and loss during the holidays. A death during any part of the year is felt during the holidays, often causing some awkwardness when trying to fill the void the loss left behind.
So, I have a request for you this holiday season. As you are enjoying all the food and fun with your loved ones, take some time to think about those who are suffering and say a quick prayer that they may be comforted.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I am still here...
So, I admit that it has been a while since I have posted, but I just wanted to let you know (if anybody actually reads this) that I am still alive and haven’t fallen off the planet.
I have been down for about a week with sinus problems, and prior to working on some school projects (or neglecting them…). I promise as things start to slow down a little in my crazy world I will post more often, but the second half of your next to last semester in college can be a hectic mess trying to balance and figure out what you are doing, what you want to do, and doing what you feel like.
Next post will continue my series of people who have made a difference in my life.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A True Christian Light
The first person I am choosing to spotlight is a very special person that I didn’t know that well, but was a great example and teacher to others. This person is Ms. Tina Kersey.
Ms. Tina is the mother of Caleb, C.J. and Will Kersey, Marlinia Rhodes, and Maria Buckner. Her husband Randy Kersey is the minister for the Main Street Church of Christ in Mt. Pleasant, TN.
Ms. Tina recently lost a lengthy battle with breast cancer. I didn’t know Ms. Tina very well, but I saw her great example and dedicated spirit in her children who have played important parts in my life.
It wasn’t until last night, when a friend and I were at the visitation for her funeral that I realized just how large a part Ms. Tina had played in my life. My grandmother died of lung cancer in 2005, so I felt a connection to her through the cancer and the pain her grandchildren are feeling at this point, but the connection went deeper.
When I arrived at the church for the visitation last night, the line stretched out and around the building into an adjacent parking lot. This is an event that I can only relate to one other point in my life which was the death of Josh Riley. For that many people to come and pay their respects to Ms. Tina and show support to her family shows that she was truly a great person and touched many people by her example.
She truly let her Christian light shine on those around her. She has taught me how to be a better person and Christian even though I never spent much time with her. A part of her will live on in my heart, and shall help my Christian light shine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)